A Theory of Lawyer Assholery

In my super-cool niche law practice, I don't spend a lot of time on the phone with other lawyers anymore. Bloggerdad and I have our share of interactions with opposing counsel, but due to the geographical situation, he conducts most of those communications nowadays.

But I'm handling a small matter for someone back in Indy that required me to make a phone call to another attorney today. This reminded me of what I hated most about my old practice: that the prevalence of assholery among lawyers is far greater than in the general population. And it's not just garden-variety assholery, like the wanker who cuts you off on the road, or the person who really isn't an asshole all the time, but is just acting like one in a particular situation.

No, the kind of assholery that's more prevalent in lawyers is an aggressive, almost accusatory I'm-going-to-impugn-your-worth-as-a-human-being kind of assholery. I have encountered it both in men and in women. When I first started practice, I used to cower quite a bit more in the face of this bullshit than I do today. Today, after five or so minutes of her hostility, I said to the Asshole Lawyer in question, "Is there something wrong with what I'm proposing to you? The tone of your voice suggests you have a problem."

"No," she sniffed. "I don't really care one way or another."

Yeah, fuck you too.

Even though I don't take this shit lying down anymore, it still annoys me for the rest of the day. And that's where people like this get their power, I suppose. But you know, paybacks are hell, and what mystifies me is why these people don't understand that.

You never know when a lawyer you've shit on is going to be in a position to do you a favor or not do you a favor sometime in the future. It's highly unlikely that I will be in such a position vis-a-vis Asshole Lawyer, given the nature of my practice now. But consider the concept that businesses have come to understand, that one dissatisfied customer tells five people, and each one of them tells five more, and so on. I will probably get a couple e-mails from my lawyer readers asking who Asshole Lawyer is. And I'll probably tell them.

So my advice to new lawyers is this. Get your power trips elsewhere. Maybe it makes you feel all superior to be gratuitously rude and nasty to other people, whether they are lawyers or not. But if the day comes when you're on fire, don't expect anyone else to piss on you to put you out.

Ahem. That is all.