A Farewell to my Upstairs Neighbors

Dear Upstairs Neighbors:

I have lived in this tiny mole hole of an apartment for seven months now, and when you moved in two months ago, you only made it more special. The guy who lived there before you wasn't nearly as interesting -- he apparently spent most of the evening sitting on his couch consuming prodigious quantities of beer, but things never got out of hand. The only thing I ever heard were the loud pees he took precisely every 20 minutes from 9 p.m. to 12:30 a.m.

But since I'm moving, I wanted to take some time to tell you goodbye, and let you know a few things. First, I'm terribly sorry you have thus far been unable to locate the community garbage receptacle. Of course, it's an honest error -- I can certainly understand how you could mistake the area under your deck for a Dumpster. And heck, I don't mind. My dogs found all those used Q-Tips you threw away last week, and that little treasure trove provided them with hours of chewing entertainment.

And frankly, I've always thought bare trees were a little too understated, and kind of boring. The tree next to our building looks so much lovelier now that your eight-year old has festooned it with an entire roll of paper towels.

By the way, a disposable plastic container fell on my head as I was eating dinner on my patio the other night. I appreciate the loan, but I just bought a whole case of them at Costco. I'll be sure to leave it on your doorstep after I'm finished moving out.

I do hope your rehearsals continue to go as well as they have since you moved in. Elephant training is such a lost art, and you work hard at it. I can hear that dedicated team of pachyderms walking above me at all hours! What a work ethic you have!

Finally, I want to thank you for helping me solve a problem. Before you moved in, my two-year old was sleeping way too late on weekends. Weekends are a time to be productive, and frankly, I was growing tired of having to awaken the little slugabed in the mid-morning! But since you thoughtfully moved your ten-year old neo-punk rocker into the bedroom directly above, this hasn't been a problem. We don't even need an alarm clock anymore on weekends, because our kid wakes us up now once the music comes on at 6:30 every morning. What an early riser your son is! You must be very proud.

So in sum, we will indeed be moving out shortly. It is my most fervent hope that the people who move into this apartment treat you as well as you've treated us.

All Due Regard,

Your Downstairs Neighbors