All I Want For Christmas Is A Muted Vomiting Reflex

Two words that should probably never get anywhere near each other: Competitive. Eating.

According to a Washington Post article, a gastroenterologist at Stanford University has decided to study people who eat competitively. The mysteries of dyspepsia, satiety and the swallowing mechanism will all be revealed by the guy who can eat nine pounds of watermelon in fifteen minutes. Or by this guy:

To get better, Lerman occasionally employs an extended regimen. First he'll fill up on liquids. Then "I'll practice eating hot dogs when I'm full. The contest is going to be won not by someone who's hungry but by someone who's able to eat when they're full."

Lerman's tactics seem to work. He once consumed seven quarter-pound sticks of butter ("like eating axle grease") in five minutes. On another occasion, he ingested 120 jalapeno peppers in 15 minutes. But that's not all.

"At the Glutton Bowl, I consumed over seven pounds of cow brains," he said. He placed third.

Third? Seven pounds of cow brains and you place third? What am I complaining about, anyway? I’m just happy to live in a world where there is such a thing as a Glutton Bowl.

But what I really found intriguing about this article is the tidbit that skinnier people are better at competitive gorging than the more generously padded of us. See, there’s this theory that abdominal fat keeps the stomach from expanding enough to accommodate those nine pounds of watermelon in fifteen minutes. One of the gastroenterologists thinks this is a plausible, albeit unproven, theory. And then there’s this guy:

Contest organizer and occasional competitor Arnie Chapman, 44, is also on the fence about the theory. A former marathoner himself, he thinks competitiveness and disciplined training are the main ingredients of speed-eating success. Nevertheless, he said, "there are some advantages" -- like having a muted vomiting reflex -- "that are just God-given."

I don't know about you all, but I'd be kind of pissed if all I got when God was handing out the goodies was a muted vomiting reflex.

Then again, maybe I was shortchanged.